I have always fucked up my own life pretty good. over and over again I make the wrong choices. It is what I do best today was no different unfortunately. I am now a lying 2 timing slut. I lead people on even though I make things clear before I am friends with someone. FRIENDS JUST FRIENDS. I just blur the lines and cuddle… that is bad apparently when you have a fuck buddy that wants to be the only person you fuck. This remark causes me great pain because I do not think highly of myself and this does not change that. It makes it worse. I have lost grip on life itself and am contemplating lack of life. How bad would it be if I didn't exist any more? Who would care? My mom and my dad… who else in my life gives a shit about me? Such a sad existence.

Am I helping or Hurting?
something I ask myself a lot. It is never about my happiness its about How others view me… how I make them feel. but what about me? I am always hurting myself for others. holding myself back for them…. why can't I be me? Why can't I be free? I mean I need to find out what I want...what I need? I wish I had a magic comps that shows me which way to go. So am I helping or hurting … helping others hurting myself… and that is not fair. 


Now I am to drunk to type but I will leave it at this I know I need to better myself but it will take time.  

So I recently was invited to go to my first anime convention and I am pumped. I want to go so bad…. but as always my past is standing in the way. I know that a certain guy would be upset if I wasn't going with him. I know that I would have a great time dressing up and experiencing my first Con… but I wouldn't be able to lie about going I mean its a whole weekend of not texting back… he would know something is up.  But i would hurt him if I didn't go with him. I will probably just not go like I always do. I miss out on fun for the sake of some one else. What a sad existence. 

In other news I cut myself some bangs. They are back man it makes me look totally lolitaish which is what I am going for if you didn't already know. I have dressed slightly lolitaish for 2 days now and I am loving every minute of it. I feel beautiful and confident in myself being dressed up like that. I am also becoming more ok with my hair not being straighten which is much healthier for my hair. It just looks cute a little bit 80'sish but cute for sure. 

Note to everyone Post a comment even if it's mean I would love to hear from you. 

I was offered a new job but I don't know if it is the one for me. I could be selling Direct tv to people. Like walking up to people and trying to get them interested in switching to Direct Tv. If I go full Lolita then it could be fun for sure :) I think I would have people walking up to me :). It is an upgrade from where I am working but I am unsure if it is for me. They didn't say that I have the job yet so I should just relax but it is something I am thinking about.

On an awesome note I got the necomimi! it is super sexy. I feel super cute with them on I am still learning to control them. One thing I wonder is what they would do during sex. It could be fun but also bad because then it will be obvious when I am not focusing on what is going on at all. I tend to lose interest during sex I just get bored. I mean the motions keep happening and I just … take it if that makes sense. I mean I move I try to get into it but I just… lose focus. 

So Christmas is coming as you all know and I made my gifts and they are made and ready. I just need to wrap them and put them under the tree. I also want to wrap the gifts from my parents so it is more christmasy… I don't think that is a word. But it makes me cuter actually. 

I have a question for you guys… and that is if I was to make a vlog would you watch it? also what would you want it to be about? I love to review things but it is what you want. What do you want to hear from me?

It is week 3 of Christmas music at work. It now follows me in my head every where I go. It will drive me insane. Other than the music I have put up my tree yes a day after thanksgiving my fake white tree is up. It is lovely and creates such a brightness in my room. I do not have work tomorrow and that is amazing I need a long break. I work to hard and need to relax. If you did not know I will not be able to go home for Christmas I will be spending it all alone. It will be lame for sure so that is a downer. I do have great news though and that is that I will be getting Necomimi this week. I feel I should treat myself after such terribleness. 

I had a fantasy that I felt I should share with you all. 

ok i will set the scene.... In a hotel room i am a new assistant to a famous magician. He wanted to try out a new trick. where he makes a ball disappear and I would be in the audience and I would stand up and the ball would fall out of my.... you know.

I am finally taking control of my life it is time for me to change the channel to something much more pleasant to watch. Something like American Dad or Archer. I need light humor but an ok story line that makes it over-all enjoyable. I need some enjoyable brain numbing fun. This is something I am now working on. I had a lovely lunch with some new friends we got to chat about annoying people at work. We just clicked. 

The odd one out is more like the cheese that stands alone. And in life I am alone a lot but it is something I do not like at all. I love to be around people and maybe not interacting with people but I want to be around them. I don't like to talk to a large group I don't like trying to get my words heard. I am more about the one on one time with a person surrounded by people I know. Moving into a new area is making it difficult to surround myself with people. This cheese will stand alone for now but hopefully this cheese won't me alone to much longer. I could use a dog or cat or even a nurse just something that will make this cheese less lonely. 

When ever I am depressed I can feel myself falling into a dark hole. Nothing is in the hole it is just dark and lonely. I want to just disappear in the darkness to never be seen again. When I feel like this the only thing that can save me from myself is someone who is willing to reach into the black hole that is me and try to pull me out of it. But I don't want to reach out because I am in fear of pulling them down with me. I don't want to cause any problems for anyone else so I am stuck in this black hole. I am forever hidden hopefully someone will get me out of this hole as quick as possible. 

This feeling comes every now and then but this one came from the loss of someone in my life. This person was some one I cared for but they were not trusting of me at all. He basically made me feel like I can't do anything right. Causing me to not trust anything I did and I would have to talk to him to make sure it is ok. I gave him such power .... why I don't know maybe it is because I thought I was happy. Well it was the closest thing to happiness I have felt in a long time. In many ways it was a good thing I cut him out of my life because I should feel good about myself. But it makes me feel alone. all alone...

I just moved so I do not have a friend base here to make me feel like I did the right thing. It's causing me to just feel more alone. I have no one to turn to but I will try to continue through my life. I will give updates on my condition.