I have always fucked up my own life pretty good. over and over again I make the wrong choices. It is what I do best today was no different unfortunately. I am now a lying 2 timing slut. I lead people on even though I make things clear before I am friends with someone. FRIENDS JUST FRIENDS. I just blur the lines and cuddle… that is bad apparently when you have a fuck buddy that wants to be the only person you fuck. This remark causes me great pain because I do not think highly of myself and this does not change that. It makes it worse. I have lost grip on life itself and am contemplating lack of life. How bad would it be if I didn't exist any more? Who would care? My mom and my dad… who else in my life gives a shit about me? Such a sad existence.

Am I helping or Hurting?
something I ask myself a lot. It is never about my happiness its about How others view me… how I make them feel. but what about me? I am always hurting myself for others. holding myself back for them…. why can't I be me? Why can't I be free? I mean I need to find out what I want...what I need? I wish I had a magic comps that shows me which way to go. So am I helping or hurting … helping others hurting myself… and that is not fair. 


Now I am to drunk to type but I will leave it at this I know I need to better myself but it will take time.  

So I recently was invited to go to my first anime convention and I am pumped. I want to go so bad…. but as always my past is standing in the way. I know that a certain guy would be upset if I wasn't going with him. I know that I would have a great time dressing up and experiencing my first Con… but I wouldn't be able to lie about going I mean its a whole weekend of not texting back… he would know something is up.  But i would hurt him if I didn't go with him. I will probably just not go like I always do. I miss out on fun for the sake of some one else. What a sad existence. 

In other news I cut myself some bangs. They are back man it makes me look totally lolitaish which is what I am going for if you didn't already know. I have dressed slightly lolitaish for 2 days now and I am loving every minute of it. I feel beautiful and confident in myself being dressed up like that. I am also becoming more ok with my hair not being straighten which is much healthier for my hair. It just looks cute a little bit 80'sish but cute for sure. 

Note to everyone Post a comment even if it's mean I would love to hear from you. 

I was offered a new job but I don't know if it is the one for me. I could be selling Direct tv to people. Like walking up to people and trying to get them interested in switching to Direct Tv. If I go full Lolita then it could be fun for sure :) I think I would have people walking up to me :). It is an upgrade from where I am working but I am unsure if it is for me. They didn't say that I have the job yet so I should just relax but it is something I am thinking about.

On an awesome note I got the necomimi! it is super sexy. I feel super cute with them on I am still learning to control them. One thing I wonder is what they would do during sex. It could be fun but also bad because then it will be obvious when I am not focusing on what is going on at all. I tend to lose interest during sex I just get bored. I mean the motions keep happening and I just … take it if that makes sense. I mean I move I try to get into it but I just… lose focus. 

So Christmas is coming as you all know and I made my gifts and they are made and ready. I just need to wrap them and put them under the tree. I also want to wrap the gifts from my parents so it is more christmasy… I don't think that is a word. But it makes me cuter actually. 

I have a question for you guys… and that is if I was to make a vlog would you watch it? also what would you want it to be about? I love to review things but it is what you want. What do you want to hear from me?